One-Size-Fits-All Story

In our previous episode, valiant peasants Beau and Trixie helped a dragon rescue a damsel while they tried to get their census scrolls back from a thieving baron. But the baron outsmarted them, leaving them tied up in a dungeon, promising trouble lay in store if they tried to escape…

Software sales reps Beau and Trixie sat back to back in desks chairs, tied together.

"This never would have happened if you hadn't dropped the file," Beau pouted.

"I wouldn't have dropped it if you hadn't run into that guy and fallen against me." Trixie tried to shake her hair out of her eyes. "Besides, how was I to know he was an evil salesman from a competitor, bent on getting ahold of our files in order to ruin our shot at the deal, or that after we chased him all over town, he would knock us out and tie us up in the basement of some mysterious abandoned office building while he goes to SuperiorCorp to secure the business for himself?"

Beau was silent for a long time. Then he said, "Trixie?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Oh, Trixie!"

"Oh, Beau!"

Being tied up, they couldn't kiss, so they just pressed the backs of their heads together and tried to imagine it was the fronts of their heads.

"We've got to find some way out of these ropes," Trixie said at last.

"I've got an idea, my little muffin." Beau squirmed about in his seat until he was able to rub his face against the ropes. In a moment, they were broken.

"What did you do?" Trixie exclaimed, rising and rubbing her wrists.

"It's this chiseled jaw, my little èclair," Beau said, standing and striking a rakish pose. "It's so chiseled, it actually comes to a point on either side."

Trixie sighed dreamily. "I've always admired your phenomenal bone structure," she said.

"Oh, Trixie."

"Oh, Beau."

They were about to embrace when they heard a scuffling sound at the door. Holding hands, they moved warily to the door leading upstairs, where they stood listening.

"Mad dogs!" Trixie cried. "What are the odds!" They backed away from the door.

"I guess we're trapped here," Beau said. "The most important account of our careers is lost forever. But at least I'm here with you, my little moon pie…"

"Oh, Beau."

"Oh, Trixie."

They reached for one another, but a shout outside the walls distracted them. "Okay, Charlie. Move that backhoe out of there. They're almost ready with the wrecking ball."

"Wrecking ball!" Beau cried. "What are the odds!"

"That evil salesman locked us in a condemned building!" Trixie exclaimed. "What are we going to do? Oh, Beau!"

"Hang on a second…" Beau was leaning one ear against the wall, listening hard.

"You're supposed to say 'Oh, Trixie,'" Trixie sulked.

Beau dashed from the wall, grabbed Trixie, and moved her several feet to the side. He hesitated, then grabbed her, dipped her, and kissed her passionately. The wrecking ball crashed in just over their heads. Beau straightened and leapt, dragging Trixie up onto the wrecking ball with him and holding onto the chain. They rode the wrecking ball on its return swing out of the building, where Beau leapt neatly to the ground, Trixie in his arms.

"Whoa! That was pretty nifty!" Trixie said, gazing into his eyes. "How did you do that?"

Beau shrugged casually. "It was nothing, my little Jello snack cup. I just listened to the sound the wrecking ball made swinging through the air and estimated the exact location it would break through the wall, taking into account the slight change in direction it would make when it transferred its energy into the wall on the way through."

"Oh, that's so romantic," Trixie sighed. "But right now there's an account to save! Let's go!"

They fled in the direction of the SuperiorCorp office, their hearts pounding, their fingers entwined, their pheromone levels elevated. Beau led Trixie down an alley shortcut, but a figure leapt out from behind some boxes at them.

"It's you!" Beau cried.

"Hahaha!" said the evil sales rep. "You're too late! I took your file straight to SuperiorCorp, and they were furious that you let their secret contract out of your hands. Your deal with them is history, I closed the business for my company, and you're going to get a really nasty message from SuperiorCorp on your voicemail!"

Beau glared. "You may have won this round, Mr. — hey, who are you?"

"Brian," the rep replied.

"You may have won this round, Brian, but you'll never really hurt us! Do you know why? Because love conquers all!"

"Except I have a gun and you don't," said Brian, brandishing the weapon.

"Hmm. That alters my plan somewhat," Beau admitted. "Trixie, my little macaroon, I — Trixie?"

She stepped out from behind some boxes and said, "I was just making a cell phone call while you two gave your speeches. Did I miss anything?"

"You missed the part where I whipped out the gun, but not the part where I announce what I'm going to do next," Brian said helpfully.

"Oh. Well, I wasn't really interested in that part, anyway," Trixie said. With that, she pulled Beau away, slammed him against the wall, and plastered herself against him, making way for a squad of policemen to race down the alley. They quickly disarmed and handcuffed Brian and led him away, reading off charges of kidnapping and other crimes as they went.

Trixie stepped back and said, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, my little milkshake," Beau said. "But what just happened?"

"Simple," Trixie said. "That cell phone call I placed was to the police. It lacked a certain dramatic flair, but it got us the desired results, right?"

"Oh, Trixie."

"Oh, Beau."

A short time later, they stood in their boss's office, heads down.

"So even though the evil Brian was arrested for tying you up in that building, SuperiorCorp still hates us for losing their file," the boss said. "They're giving our business to another competitor. You know what that means…"

Beau looked up, smiling. "It means we didn't make our quota."

"And according to our agreement with you," Trixie added, "that means we have to go on sharing a sales territory."

"Uh… that's right," the boss said, eyeing them in confusion.

"That means all day, every day, together!" Beau said. "Oh, Trixie!"

"Oh, Beau!"

As they fell into one another's arms, their boss said, "Okay — what did I miss?"